The 16-legged, tongue-in-cheek, awfully-dressed, mock hip-hop crew that is Goldie Lookin’ Chain have been around for years but it’s only now that the Welsh troupe’s brand of X-rated humour has started to reach a mass audience.
As they prepare for the release of their Guns Don’t Kill People, Rappers Do single and Greatest Hits album, musicOMH collared “The Beastie Boyos” in a posh London pub and desperately tried to get some serious answers out of them. What a mistake that was…
“What it was, early ’80s, Maggie Thatcher was married to this bloke called Dennis, right. He was really into rugby but rugby weren’t doing that well so he said: ‘Maggie, sort it out!’ So she thought the only way to do it was destroy the Welsh mining. She went in there and said: ‘Oi! Miners, we’ve had enough. Get out!’ So they did – slinged their hook and now England are winning the World Cup in rugby. Was that true or was that a dream?”
With an answer as mouthy as that, you might have expected that musicOMH had asked the Welsh lads about the downfall of Thatcherism or how the English finally came to be world-beaters again in sport. But no, we had merely queried how the band came into existence, at which point honorary spokesman of the day, Dwain P Xain, managed to confuse and bemuse us. And it doesn’t end there:
“I heard, right, check this one out, that Bob Marley was killed by Danny Baker!”
“She went in there and said: ‘Oi! Miners… Get out!’ So they did… and now England are winning the World Cup in rugby.” – Goldie Lookin’ Chain’s conspiracy theory on how Maggie Thatcher destroyed mining to help England win the rugby!
Goldie Lookin’ Chain are, of course, known for not only dressing like the teenagers found drinking cheap beer in parks while attempting to mug the elderly, but also for their less traditional but altogether more appealing approach to humour. With song titles such as Self Suicide, Your Mother’s Got A Penis and the latest single Guns Don’t Kill People, Rappers Do, perhaps it was expecting too much for this interview to be taken remotely seriously. Speaking of Your Mother’s Got A Penis – what is that all about?
“You know that film and it’s got that bloke in it and he stands up and he says what’s happened to him and it’s based on “Once there was a bloke…” – that’s what it is.”
Erm, what? Dwain P Xain, once again, steadfastly refuses to open our eyes to the bare facts that surround Goldie Lookin’ Chain and simultaneously disappoints the many who’d hoped that the song had originated from an obscure encounter with a gender bender.
“I heard… that Bob Marley was killed by Danny Baker!” – Now Goldie Lookin’ Chain are getting really silly.
The band are a little quicker to explain the stories behind their nicknames (examples: The Maggot, Mr Love Eggs, Mike Balls and 2 Hats), at least Love Eggs is, in spite of continuous interruption from the other members:
“Well, it mainly came about because if you look in the back of “special” Sunday magazines or magazine for grown-ups…”
“… For people over five foot six,” Maggot adds.
“Yeah, they usually have “special” devices for sale and there was one “special” device that was based on an egg – and it’s stuck ever since.”
Of course, that begs the question of what sex toy looks like a Maggot, but instead of answering that, the GLC boys battle it out as to who can get a word in edgeways as Mr Love Eggs continues to discuss the variations of his namesake gadget:
“There are two types, a traditional Japanese type with string and the modern Y2K complied version which even plays music.”
“A golden ticket for a lucky lady who gets to come backstage and shower with me…” – Goldie Lookin’ Chain’s Mr Love Eggs with an offer every woman can refuse!
As fun as it is to discuss the joys of sex toys, musicOMH makes one last, valiant attemptto re-focus on the band on to their up-and-coming tour in October, before which they get to grace the Reading and Leeds Festivals’ stages.
“What to expect from our show? Loads of sweat, and a golden ticket for a lucky lady who gets to come backstage and shower with me or another member of the band!” exclaims Love Eggs before the rest of the band go on to reveal their love for service stations.
It is pretty obvious that the GLC boys really don’t like talking about their music. When asked about their songwriting process, they describe the production of the record casing. Fortunately for them, the music speaks for itself…