Lulu, who has been singing since 1910 and is now 26 years old, has lost the plot.

Put A Little Love In Your Heart is a timeless little ditty, popularised by Dolly Parton, Dusty Springfield and Annie Lennox. Quite why Scotland's Petra Pan decided another recording would be necessary is a mystery. Sure, she's made a mint with covers down the years, but this is no Loco-motion. And why "Executive Producer - Sir Elton John"? Is Elt going for an ubiquity award? His involvement hasn't saved this from sounding like soulless, charisma-free drivel.

Worse, do you remember those jobsworths Climie Fisher? Simon Climie is the producer. Maybe he needed the money, for he co-wrote the flipside, Gateway To Heaven, too. As if the A-side wasn't already enough to smash heads against walls to, this excruciating, talentless noise dares to exist as well, like some ghastly pastiche of Lou Reed, half-baked for a talent show hopeful to croon charmlessly at a camera. It is hideous, horrid, hollering and hellish. There's no heaven to be found anywhere near it - and if this is the Gateway To Heaven, I'm for the guy with the red hot poker.

Come back Crazy Frog. Nearly all is forgiven.