Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle

UK release date: Sep 8 2009

cast list

Drew Barrymore
Cameron Diaz
Lucy Lui
Demi Moore

directed by

Watching movies released during the summer can sometimes be a trying experience. For every Finding Nemo or 28 Days Later there’s a Hollywood Homicide or 2 Fast 2 Furious. Then there is this bucket of bile – a film so awful that it may cause those unlucky enough to be exposed to it to do physical harm to their local multiplex.

The plot, most likely spit out by a computer but allegedly “written” by a trio of humans, deals with two rings containing the entire list of the Witness Protection Program that have gone missing. A former Angel, played by Hollywood’s sexiest senior, Demi Moore, has stolen them and is out to sell them to gangs of various demographics such as the Irish, Italian and Chinese mobs. It’s up to the three Angels to stop her.

After suffering through the first Angels film, I knew what to expect: zero plot, a few laughs smattered about and enough jiggling and wiggling by the female leads to keep me, er, interested. The scantily-clad ladies aside, Full Throttle couldn’t even meet those expectations. The lame jokes and stale double entendres would have seemed out of place on an episode of Three’s Company a quarter of a century ago. As for the plot, the less said about that the better.

What’s worse is that the women look awful. It’s bad enough that they’re wearing clothes, but Drew looks frumpy, Diaz looks like she was the victim of a pissed-off makeup artist, Moore’s face looks like it was borrowed from Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum and as for Liu, well, I’ll be nice and stop here.

With the exception of Diaz, who tries her best to make it fun for us, the cast shows less life than the living dead that inhabit 28 Days Later. Bernie Mac, replacing Bill Murray as Bosley, is downright embarrassing.

As for McG, he isn’t a director. He isn’t even good enough to be called a hack. He’s nothing more than a hyperactive, immature 13-year old sugar addict in the body of an adult who has access to the latest editing machines in Hollywood. The film goes from scene to scene with about as much grace as a truck dropped off the top of the Empire State Building.

The action scenes are so sloppily edited and overstuffed with so many bullet time effects that the creators of The Matrix should sue. I’m all for suspension of disbelief in watching something like this “film”, but there are sequences that would seem to be pushing the bounds of reality in films such as Star Wars.

Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle is a lot of things, but a watchable film it is not. It’s a product placement orgy. It’s an etched-in-stone testament to just how creatively bankrupt Hollywood has become and how out of touch with reality Sony Pictures are if they can throw away $130 million to make this. It’s also, hands down, the worst film of the year. Considering that I’ve sat through both Bruce Almighty and Hollywood Homicide, that is saying a lot.

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