Fat Joe – All Or Nothing

Forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been two weeks since my last confession. I have lusted in my heart and coveted another man’s wife, and I mistakenly requested an album to review that was so boring that I passed it on to my girlfriend who has an care for this sort of music.

Me: “I was hoping it was Gangsta, because Lean Back was Gangsta, but it’s all just Jennifer Lopezy”
She: “But that’s why I like the album, because it is all Jennifer Lopezy”.
Me: “Okay, you can have the album if you help me review it”. Deal.

Unfortunately we split up a week later, but I was able to use getting together with her to discuss the album as an excuse to hang out with a hot chick in the sun with a low cut top, without her realising I still fancied her. Track by track we sauntered through it, and frankly, discussing it with her was enough to actually make me interested to give it another listen, but she owns it now.

The album intro will get you in the vibe with a good beat from his Fatness, closely followed by Does Anybody Know, with Scooter‘s squeaky chorus voice going “Does anybody know how I can get in touch with Joe?” It sounds silly at first but digs in after a few listens. My Fofo comes along next, a bit slower pace but with another digging in chorus line. And in Rock Ya Body we encounter that great thing – a good car-driving track, up beat, which’ll make you bop your head.

Pretty soon comes the best piece on All Or Nothing, the fabulous Get It Poppin’ featuring our good friend Nelly. As the ex-missus says “Anything with Nelly in is cool”. But in particular this one pops it up with its beepy catch line in the chorus. It’s already working its way up the MTV interactive charts, and will be the big hit of the album. Temptation I and II move into more male territory with the Gangsta line of “My temptation to kill, Muthafucka die, tell the devil I sent.” You know the drill.

Another to look out for is the good ol’ Lean Back (here in remix), and So Hot with R Kelly which is smooth smooth smooth. Other slowler smoothies are the last single Hold You Down (Hi Jennifer!) and I Can Do U. Tracks to ignore include Safe 2 Say, So Much More, Everybody Get Up, and Beat Novocane. Keep the skip button handy for these.

So if, like my ex, you’re a 19 year old girl who is into RnB and likes to dance dirty, and you liked more than just track 1 on Usher‘s album, then this may be for you. And if you feel I have sinned too much, by only flicking through about the first five seconds of the first five tracks – just consider that you probably enjoyed reading this review more (and found it more informative) than some bunch of over-hacked platitudes about releases that many disinterested reviewers write.

And at least I didn’t use my backup plan- to pad out this whole piece with comments about Fat Joe’s weight, and then to make up a track list that amused me.