1. It’s awful.
2. It’s the only way they’ll learn.
3. They’re called Mumford And Sons. Band names should be the kind of the thing you want to scrawl on a pencil case. Scrawl Mumford And Sons on anything and people will think you’ve been given a promotional item from a haulage firm.
4. Every time you play it an angel loses his wings.
5. It will bring you 47 minutes and four seconds closer to your inevitable death.
6. It will bring you several pounds closer to having to crawl into your local bank and plead with some pissant in a Burton suit not to make you file for bankruptcy.
7. Unless you steal it. In which case it will bring you closer to someone called Bubba telling you you have a pretty mouth.
8. To be able to look at a banjo without being overcome with a desire to use the neck end to beat its owner to death is a beautiful and underrated thing.
9. It’s been scientifically proven that nobody needs more than three hoedowns, so you should use them carefully.
10. It is so faux-earnest it will make you unable to trust any living creature ever again.
11. All sentiment on display is faker than a politicians’ luggage.
12. Mumfords make swearing seem not big and not clever. In their hands, what should be a powerful, meaningful expression of extreme emotion sounds like a judge reading the transcript of a late night altercation at a kebab shop.
13. There’s something sad about a grown man being proud of the fact he’s managed to produce rhymes that a four year old would dismiss as being ‘a bit obvious’.
14. The lyric: “Well I came home / like a stone”. Yes. Stone. Because stones are well known for their homing tendencies.
15. The lyric: “I can take the rope and I can fuck it all the way”. Wait. What? That’s just wrong.
16. After a while, banging your head against the wall while crying ‘please, please, please make it stop’ gets strangely painful.
17. One day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, a young relative will be flicking through your music collection and you’ll have to explain to them why this is there. And they’ll look at you. Eyes framed with tears. Bottom lip beginning to shake. Innocence shattered forever.
18. Variation is the spice of life. Not songs which are so imperceptibly different you need a gas chromatograph to analyse the deviations.
19. The whoop at the start of Babel. Oh sweet almighty Christ.
20. Over-emoting is not a way of compensating for a lack of ideas.
21. Singing like someone has implanted gravel in your scrotum isn’t something that should be rewarded.
22. The idea of a band being given free rein to press every single studio button, use every single expensive trick in an attempt to produce something epic and producing something so irretrievably dull, so astonishingly lacking in any originality or spontaneity or semblance of passion is a real downer.
23. If there’s only a finite number of albums that will ever be made in the history of the universe the fact that Mumford And Sons now account for two of them is tragic. But it is better than them accounting for three of them.
24. No, really. It truly is awful.