Album Reviews

Thirteen Senses – Contact

(Mercury) UK release date: 02 April 2007


Thirteen Senses - Contact The Imitation Coldplay Kit

Warning: The imitation Coldplay kit is for use in well ventilated areas under adult supervision only. The manufactures accept no responsibility for injury caused during the use of The imitation Coldplay Kit. Any success achieved is purely coincidental.

Instructions

Welcome, and thank you for purchasing The Imitation Coldplay Kit. The only imitation Coldplay kit recommended by nine out of ten people who ‘quite like’ Snow Patrol. Follow the instructions below, and you can sound so much like your heroes only the lawyers will be able to tell the difference.

Step 1. Download the picture from here. Print it out, and then cut around the outline. Attach to your head using a piece of elastic

Step 2. Using the marker pen provided, scrawl various slogans across parts of your body. Some combination of the following is ideal: trade; fair; make; Bono; history

Step 3. Find your three most forgettable friends. These will make up your “band”

Step 4. For additional enjoyment inflate the Instant Hollywood Wife ™ (Sold separately)

Step 5. That’s it! Simply repeat the following at the top of your lungs: “IT WAAAASSSSS ALLLLLLLL YEEEEEEEELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOW”, and the transformation will be complete

Do you feel an enormous sense of self worth, coupled to a strange predilection towards sabotaging everything you do? Then that means it’s working!

But don’t just take our word for it. Ask the people who know. Thirteen Senses of Cornwall England say this: “Thanks to the Imitation Coldplay Kit we’ve been able to finish our second album. It was brilliant; all we did was follow the five easy steps listed, and in no time at all we were writing songs which were pale imitations of Chris n’co. Our songs were sounding so dull! But now at least they sound like someone else!”

And just listen to the results! Listen to the abundance of quiet verse/loud chorus dynamics. Listen to the plinky-plonky piano and the plaintive guitar lines. Listen to them all and think: “This sounds like a really crap version of something I heard on A Rush Of Blood To The Head”.

So don’t delay, buy now. Because, let’s be honest, who has the time (or the inclination!) to come up with something new? Why bother trying to “refine your sound” when the Imitation Coldplay Kit make plagiarism so easy and so much fun!

So, if your eyes are looking chartward, but you have no talent to speak of, purchase the Imitation Coldplay Kit!

Remember, Imitation Coldplay Kit is not available in the shops.


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More on Thirteen Senses
Thirteen Senses – Contact
Thirteen Senses: “We’re not trying to be a flash in the pan” – Interview
Thirteen Senses @ Trent University, Nottingham