Order, order! All rise, court is now in session for today’s case, namely divorce proceedings of The Libertines. Today, and forthwith, we shall complete division of assets to the satisfaction of all parties.
To plaintiff one, a Mr Pete Doherty, the court awards 84.4% of the fanatical section of the fanbase. You know, the scary section of the people at your gigs who’ll listen to any sort of shit that you shovel and still call it genius. Oh, and Kate Moss.
To the second plaintiff, a Mr Carl Barat, the court awards the remaining 15.6%, and sole custody of Gary Powell. Because the court appreciates that drummers really can’t look after themselves.
To you, Mr John Hassall, the court awards Yeti and, keep this under your hat, the court reckons you’ve got a pretty sweet deal. Because, unlike the first lot, you guys are pretty likely to turn up for things, and unlike the second, you aren’t gonna sink under the weight of unrealistic expectations.
True, Yeti may be old-fashioned, but everyone knows things were better back in ye olden days. Buses ran on time, you could not lock your doors and be confident no ASBO breaking, Burberry Cap wearing excuse to the human race would break into your house, set fire to your cat, and rape your TV.
And music was better too. So a band bringing back mop-top jangle (The Last Time You Go), easy-going sunshine driven psychedelia (Moneygod) and Cowardesque throwaway giggles (Insect Eating Man) of a fashion not seen for ages, is something the court feels is most welcome. Particularly if the band in question can swing through them all with immense charm and no end of good vibes.
That concludes the hearing for this case. The court hopes that the petitioners find this ruling far from abominable, and that the findings are acceptable for all concerned.