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Well. What a week it’s been. First there was Monday. Then there was Tuesday, with Wednesdaycoming afterwards. We-we-we so excited, we so excited. We gonna have a ball today. Hell, If it’sgood enough for Rebecca Black, then it’s good enough for us.
So if that, as a paragraph, isn’t enough to ensure that this column, here in your onlinegrasp, becomes the most viewed column in the world, ever, then who knows what will.
So we await the backlash. We prepare ourselves for the rumours to spread. Wwe’re actually32 years old. We’re not real. We’re computer-generated. We’re made of jam, entirely covered in asoft downy fur, and/or the evil construct of some shady ‘industry person(s)’ who are out to takeover the world while cackling manically.
We’ll preen ourselves for a tabloid expose and await several other columnists coming out withmessages of support such that we can find it within ourselves to carry on. Oh, and we’lldefinitely get orders in immediately for at least a couple of Bentleys – paid for with themillions in royalties we expect to receive from all the people arguing about how shit our paragraphis. Then, we might even do a book.
But while we’re waiting, how about we review some tracks.
Thurston Moore – Benediction
Some essential facts about Thurston Moore: his heartbeat is exactly 60bpm, and friends areknown to set their watches by it; as a child he accidentally invented the key of C; he formedSonic Youth more than 30 years ago; in 2006 he successfully campaigned for Webster’s to revert tothe original spelling of “ghullible”.
Some essential facts about Benediction: it’s taken from his forthcoming, Beck-produced solo album Demolished Thoughts; it’s personal and strippedback, featuring only guitar, harp and violin; it’s absolutely bloody brilliant, and we’re showcasing it because we love you.
Crystal Stilts – Through The Floor
It’s good to see bands taking these austere times seriously. No more trillion dollar videos,nope, instead we’re going to have promos which consist purely of filming a projector lightpointed at a stained wall.
But, despite the uh, humble concept, it’s kind of cool. And if you were watching it in adarkened room, on a beanbag, it would look properly far-out-maaan. At least until you startedhaving a fit.
It fits with the song too, which rather spectacularly sounds like Get It On re-recorded in amassive cave with everyone dressed in black pea-coats staring intently at the floor.
6 Day Riot – Tusk
Tusk is by far and away our favourite Fleetwood Mac song. Say You Love Me, Seven Wonders and You Make Loving Fun run it close, butTusk is the one. You can keep your Dreams, Little Lies and Albatrosses, far too obvious forcutting edge scenesters like ourselves.
So we have mixed emotions about 6 Day Riot taking on such a stone cold classic. It’s like toddlers who lift weights: they might look supercool rightnow, but it’s too much too soon, and they’ll pay for it in the long run, with their deformed bonesand what-not.
It’s a faithful if slightly sanitised cover. But hey, it’s Tusk, and it’s stillworth three minutes and 30 seconds of anybody’s day.
Flo Rida feat. Akon – Who Dat Girl
Look, it’s not a question of actively seeking things out to dislike, it’s more a questionof… Ah. Er. No. It’s purely a question of actively seeking out things to dislike.
And this single gives you so many. It’s like an all-you-can despise buffet of crapness. Helpyourselves. Start with the title. Apparently the absence of orthographic skills is now such a prerequisiteto releasing a single that all X-Factor contestants must now take part in, and fail, a primarylevel spelling test before they’re allowed in Louis Walsh’s castle.
The lyrics: “She ain’t an actress / but she makes movies”, is just confusingly ambiguous. Whatis she then? A director? DOP? Best boy?. Tell us Flo Rida, for the love of God tellus!
Still, Flo Rida’s beard is extraordinary. It’s like Lego-man hair, except on his chin. Can youget Lego men with beards? Answers on a postcard.
Candle Thieves – Breathing (Just For You)
Did you like Owl City? No, neither did we. By the end we’d have gladly throttled thebugger with his own cutesy riff. And while we’re on the subject, Scouting For Girls oughtnever to show their faces round these parts again. Their tunes might be catchy, but so are STDs.
It would be unfair, however, to hoist Candle Thieves with the petards of their forerunners.Breathing (Just For You) is actually a splendid number, we’re just not sure if we’ll feel the sameway when Ken Bruce spins it for the umpteenth time. We’ve been hurt this way before, and we don’tthink we can take it again.
Queen Of Hearts – Where Are You Now?
Don’t know about you, but I’ve been awaiting someone, anyone to ‘light the torch for highconcept couture pop’.
You’ve got to wonder about press releases. Sometime they look a little bit like the result ofrunning an original, fairly prosaic, paragraph of text through an English to Chinese to Flemishto Dutch to English online translator.
Which anyone can play at. So, take a fairly dull review like, Where Are You Now sounds likeGirls Aloud performing the soundtrack to Mannequin, and you get: “You are there nowresound. Little Girls Aloud, the copies of report in the music for model to treat film.”
Which says it all, really.
Damn Vandals – Bayonet
Damn Vandals isn’t just a clever name: they met through “a shared interest in high qualitygraffiti art”, which sounds to our suspicious ears like record label speak for “Please don’t landour new signings with an ASBO – they’re playing the Barfly next week!”
The bad lads have come good though, having swapped spray cans for guitars. Bayonet is a moodybastard of a track that weaves together all the right influences with all the right principles, and is a definite highlight of the Spring line-up. “If this is love,” sings Jack Kansas, “kill me now soI can love for all time.” Couldn’t agree more.